Presupun ca se vede ora la care am creat postul, nu mai trebuie sa specific. Sunt inca treaza, ca in multe alte sambete, probabil as fi avut altceva de facut, dar astrologia ma relaxeaza, imi elibereaza mintea si o antreneaza in acelasi timp. Am asteptat luni de zile sa am ceva de spus, ceva concret, ajunsesem in acel labirint periculos in care in fata oricarei intamplari ramaneam fara cuvinte, fara idei si fara o parere. Mi-era indiferent. Imi pare sincer rau de mine, dar ca sa vezi ce e bun mai intai trebuie sa vezi cum e rau.

Sunt multumita ca am in sfarsit ceva de spus. Vreau sa spun ca nu m-am intors si nu ma voi intoarce niciodata ca persoana, doar ca a fost greu sa renunt la o imagine veche si totusi inca frumoasa si vie aspure mie insami. Poate parea egocentric si egoist, dar petrec mult timp alergand dupa mintea mea in speranta ca in acele putine secunde cand reusesc sa o prind descopar ceva nou ce-mi da un fundament in construirea unei persoane valoroase, cu principii sanatoase si cai interioare frumoase. E intr-adevar greu sa pasesti inainte cand ai atat de multe bagaje in spate, dar un pas trebuie facut, intr-o directie trebuie si eu sa ma misc, nu mai pot sta locului nici macar o clipa. Am decis sa tai corzile, funiile si chiar acele fire subtiri pentru a ma elibera. A trebuit sa ajung in punctul acesta sa o pot face, si simt ca abia dupa un an de la asa-zisul "nou inceput" impus, pot incepe realmente sa cladesc din nou, sa o iau de la zero cum mi-am dorit, sa fiu din nou dependenta de nimic altceva decat de viata insasi, si sa arat lumii intregi, deci si mie, ca am destula forta pentru a ma ridica.

Stiam ca e nevoie sa se ajunga la fundul prapastiei pentru a se putea incepe urcusul, doar nu realizam faptul ca pana la prapastie e un drum mai lung ca data trecuta, ca de fapt e alta prapastie - teren necunoscut, ca de data aceasta nu mai am posibilitatea de a ma catapulta afara; acum chiar trebuie sa muncesc, trebuie sa ma hotarasc dupa ce alerg, la ce si unde vreau sa ajung. Nu e un plan pentru toata viata, e doar o schita a ceea ce ar putea deveni un tablou mai mult decat frumos. Sper ca am ales panza si creionul potrivit, iar cu putina (mai multa) vointa, nici ca pot cere mai mult caci pot fauri.

Ador din nou ochii obositi din cauza monitorului, durerea de spate dinante de a ma baga in pat dupa N ore de stat la calculator, imi ador tigarile ce-mi tin de urat, convorbirile la telefon cu mama au devenit placute, iar lumea pe langa care trec zilnic nu ma mai oboseste. Aveam nevoie de asta, de o gura de aer, dar nu ma multumesc doar sa deschid geamul sa aerisesc, planuiesc sa petrec mai mult timp pe afara.

Ne vedem sub soare, la umbra mi-a fost cam rece.

Late night workers

I was thinking about... about an idea. They say that the world's most powerful explosive is the human idea, you know. Wandering through some pictures, I caught myself staring at my own figure, face and everything; didn't see much, just... the hollowness and its consequences: earth-colored skin tone, small eyes, big eyes, same shade, they used to glow once, now they have LEDs to make them sparkle a bit, what a help... anyway, a body I'm not happy with, I really do look old except my face. 


In some parallel universe I must be what I want to be. In this one I'm just what I've built: no more vivid dreams, achievable through labor as I see it, no more miracles or whooping situations to get out from, it all seems to go one way, a kind of sinking sands, a dead end, but in the end if I'm willing to exit this shit hole I might as well take my chances. It's 3:18 in the morning, I still have to do 3 papers for that exam coming up today at 10:00 AM, I'm so not in the mood... and I so cannot see the point in doing them. Endlessly unsatisfied, endlessly searching with my mind, and when will I find the time to search when I'm thorn up between having money and doing some research in the fields I hunger for? I guess the balance inclines in the "profit making" direction. How... pitiful.


We are is what we build and what we build will last us in time. What we are willing to sacrifice in this honor is not something to be considered lost, but something transformed into better ideas, better methods, better thinking. It will not last us forever and when the time comes to build again we must change perspectives, and that, my friends, is the hard part because it requires us a lot of thinking and a subtle yet brutal and unpreceded change. Yes, the keyword to all of this is change, and whether we like it or not, even if the efforts are considerable and the results may be more than satisfactory, the time to take it all over again gains upon us once more and once more...
And do you know what happens when we refuse to follow this natural yet planned course? We lose ourselves to the world of working for a better or stable future with high chances of never getting there. at all.


That.. would be all.

Dificil de resistir

"Per trovarsi bisogna perdersi" si dice.

Beh, guardate come mi perdo, un pezzetino ogni volta che finisce un giorno. Per questo sto lottando, per perdermi, cosí magari so che raggiungo il fondo dell'abisso. Da lí c'e' un'unica direzione, su. Scegliere le direzioni a cui dedicarsi non e' sempre la cosa piú facile e non e' mai sicuro che sia la cosa giusta ogni volta.
Sono stata in tanti posti che manco mi ricordo tutto, ho visto tante cose che non so se e' rimasto spazio per le cose nuove da venire. Ho vissuto abbastanze cose per dire che a volte mi sento ferma nel tempo, che i giorno passano siccome avessero la stessa forma e contenuto, la diversitá mi e' ormai sconosciuta da un periodo perche' e' diventata monotonia.
Ho preso la vita cosí com'e', ho affrontato le mie paure che ormai mi confondevano lo sguardo verso l'alto, verso il futuro prossimo. Insomma... l'importante e' che alla fine sono partita dalla sicurezza per vedere le sabbie mobili e immergere in esse, essere inghiottita...

Tre concezioni voglio: vivere, trasformare, andare avanti libero. E' dificile resistere alla tentazione di aggiungere al catalogo delle esperienze queste concezioni, vedere cosa c'e' dopo l'infanzia guardata come un mondo dell'aldilá, un'altro universo, quindi ho fatto la mia scelta in concordanza con le altre scelte del 2010 - mi sono lasciata trascinare dalla tentazione, bella e morbida tentazione, con i suoi tentacoli che ti prendono lo sguardo e ti fanno respirare a tratti, senti il battito del cuore accelerando, ma mica puoi fare qualcosa a fermarlo. E sogni. E poi ti svegli. Ma per lo meno il lavoro e' fatto.

Randomly ordered chaos - part III

Have you ever dreamed of dying for just a night or two? To see what it's like to be free of all the burdens of the past and present, to watch people closer, study them without any awkward reaction from them...

Sometimes I'd give a few days of my life, a week, a month, to walk the face of the Earth as a ghost. I'd watch you while you sleep or while you have a conversation with somebody, or while you sigh in disbelief that life has something more to offer, or maybe when you're crying your heart out in your fists because you just can't understand what you have done. How about I listen to you while you talk to yourself, analyzing your connections with other people, speaking your mind about your dearest ones. Hm? How would that be? Interesting to me... to gain certainties where there lie only doubt and suspicion. I'd know rather than to continue assuming and I'd probably know better what to do with you all. 'Cause there are many of you who lie to me, and I lie to you too, I admit it, but only as a response to your own attitude.

I sometimes wonder... I often behave as the mirror of others' attitude towards me, by the principle "if you lie to me, I'll lie to you" or "if you'll make me happy, I'll make you happy back" and vice versa of course. I really am your own behavior's mirror so many times, if only you could see that. And the moment I decide being otherwise is the moment in which I understand you and can show you something you can learn. And that's where conflicts begin... but oh well, sooner or later you will learn, with or without me*.

I've watched you sleep at least one time in my life and I spent those moments with good use, because when a person sleeps you can see into their soul and slip a little magic into the person's heart, unseen sparkles that bloom over time. When you watch someone sleeping, you can swear hearing his/her thoughts.

There aren't many things I regret, and not even those can be considered real regrets, but I do ponder from time to time what would it have been like to... something. The only thing I truly feel sorry about is the lack of the capacity to travel with your soul. By night.

What would it be like being close to you somewhat physically in the darkness that reveals secrets, and far away by light that allows destines to be built?

Turnat din inimi frinte

It's like when someone smokes in the room while you're sleeping, you aren't aware of the smoke choking your lungs, your heart, intoxicating you. Until the choking sensation becomes too strong and you wake up. I wonder when am I going to wake up... 


When a dandelion is being blown away by the wind it has no idea where a part of it may arrive. That's how I feel when people do me wrong; scattered, blown away into the clear blue sky, not being able to pull myself together. That's how it is now. 


I am still alive, thus I take my place in society, and escape from it the moment I get home and throw away the day behind me. It's funny tho how the wheel of fortune spins. Last year I could feel only the happy things, live them intensely. Now I can feel only the sad and bad things, I live them... uncontrolled.


I'm alone, I can't lie. I guess I need this to remake the scattered parts of me and accept that some things are part of my life and time waited for no one when those things arose and finally occurred. Lying dormant isn't a solution, but as a saying states "let it pass with the night", when I wake up it'll all be gone with the night.


I'd ask you to hold my hand, but you're not there. I'd ask you to comfort me, but you can't. I'd ask you to love me, but I know you're pretty close to that feeling so I run out of things to ask you to do for me. Funny how things have a way of their own to work out.


Frozen and intoxicated, not the best sensation. Remember the variety of feelings I used to have for everything and everyone? They all turned into a big massive feeling, a unique, singular piece of emotional state, the state of heaviness. Wherever I go, as long as I'll be still walking a certain path, it'll be hard to carry my big heavy concrete boulder, that pile of feelings merged together into a state of heaviness...