And we're back.

Iar lumea isi intoarse fata de la mine in acel moment, iar eu mi-am intors spatele la ea, caci nu-mi fusese usor dar ii ramasesem alaturi, apoi ea m-a abandonat, si-am fost singura. Si-am vazut atunci cine a inteles si a venit si si-a aratat fata din nou fiindca a avut curaj si ochi deschisi, but it was slightly late caci renuntasem la mine deja.


I've spent so much time on you, I can't even remember who I am, I've spent it to distract me from myself, because I was in too much pain to look at. The darkness has spread without me even noticing.


Grimase peste grimase, nici nu ma stradui sa le ascund caci voi le vedeti ca zambete si bucurie, ca sinceritate si voiciune; val peste ochi. Mai prind cate-o zi frumoasa, mai iese soarele, da' deh, suntem inca in primavara, ploile sunt frecvente iar vantul schimbator.


Si i-as fi spus cu prea mult calm cand m-a privit intrebator "de ce nu te-ai imbracat si tu mai frumos, mai atragator astazi?", ca "sub orice haine ai purta ai acelasi corp, oricand le lepezi nuditatea iti apartine in totalitate, nu ai ce ascunde", si mi-ar fi raspuns intr-o doara ca nu intelege, tot din priviri, caci ele stiu sa spuna adevarul.


You've expected me to do so much, I've done most of those things you wanted me to and then I just couldn't find myself anymore, it's like I've disappeared. Deciziile pe care ceilalti se asteapta ca tu sa le faci sunt cele mai usoare, fiindca nu ridica provocari, fiindca stii ca de undeva ai o aprobare, ca din punctul Cuiva de vedere tu faci ceea ce trebuie, ai o garantie, nu risti nimic... nu inveti nimic, nu vezi, nu auzi, doar vrei ca alinarea de dupa sa fie sigura, sa fie acolo.




And then we kissed, it was the kiss of betrayal. And then I left. I left to search once more what I could not find here, what they took away so many years ago and what I had to get back at all costs, and the search exhausted me... so I couldn't sleep anymore, iar cosmarurile se succedau obsesiv, in fiecare noapte, si in noptile urmatoare... pana cand m-am prabusit, went down in flames with my dreams and hopes si falsele sigurante.


Calmeaza-te, imi spun, si gandeste, imi spun, maine nu va fi mai bine, trebuie sa fie astazi. Maine nu te vei trezi si va fi totul rezolvat, soptesc in timp ce sorb din paharul sec de apa si strang marunt din buze, nu-ti mai ingadui sa faci ce nu vrei, ocupa-te de tine caci fara tine nu existi.


Si a venit Soarele ca si cand nimic nu s-ar fi intamplat, sa spele pacatele si rusinile, sa spele momentele grele, si m-a invitat afara "haide sa facem o plimbare, as vrea sa cunosti pe cineva", dar eram mult prea neincrezatoare "nu stiu daca pot, sunt slabita, nu sunt pregatita" iar pasii mici m-au costat in timp, am platit destul in final. I demand a refund, as fi spus, dar de unde ca nici el n-avea, nici eu n-aveam, asa ca am luat batul, apa si pamantul si am inceput sa reconstruiesc usor, si sa uit ceea ce pierdusem fiindca in fapt, nimic nu se pierde, totul se transforma, "da putin din rugina jos si-ai sa vezi".

Can't we just sleep tonight?

I lie... no, I'm not telling lies, I just lie... on some ground, on some chair, in some bus, wherever, thinking of today, wondering about tomorrow, scuffing thoughts about yesterday. I look so bold in front of you, the kind of person who takes chances, laughing in the face of danger and risks, hopeful of people and not discouraged by the surrounding actions taken against all that is pure. Or whatever. Laughing, anyway, I look joyful.
When I'm alone it's the same old story you've all heard before, antique music whispering sounds scraped from the duties that haven't been fulfilled, that wouldn't bring happiness anyway, nor content, at least content...
My sorrow isn't clear, but it weakens me every time that I am alone, so what am I really.. but a pile of dust being carried away by the wind of.. well I don't know what wind it is but it certainly isn't one of growth. Maybe it's change, maybe this is how change occurs when you don't decide to just run away to make it happen, this must be change done by standing still.
I'm uncertain, I have anxiety attacks, rarely but they exist, the heaviness feeling has now moved from my heart to my brain and its malfunction has not delayed its show. Synapses don't function normally anymore, or maybe the problem is more simple than I feel it or see it.
From the people that I've asked none could give me an answer to all of this, and as usual I may have to do it on my own. My ambition and will are as unstable as the sea. I don't know what to do so I do little for myself and that has gone well for me so far. I would considerably appreciate that my ability to cry would return but alas it has forsaken me as well so I am left with no means of relief thus bringing me to a stand-still by all means.
As I walk down the street to see to the next task of my life I don't feel any content or excitement, everything became dull at some point and I'm starting to want to stay on the safe-side, being drawn to it more and more as this situation goes on. I am unfair because of this to some.

Not feeling the good, not having strengt, my only reason of getting out of bed in the morning is the thought that optimism is the way out and that I have to put it into action.

Gata, haide ca am de invatat la un examen. Asta nu inseamna ca uit de problema, inseamna doar ca-mi va bate-n geam mai tarziu. Keep it real, don't take it too serious, relax = the impossible.

A thousand miles away from... home

A volte mi arrabbio, ma proprio tanto di non poter più pensare ad altro che colpire... fortemente. E' strano.. sto a pensare quando sono diventata così, quando si è prodotto la separazione tra di me e la mia anima. Mai mi sono sentita così sola e mai sono stata capace di ignorare questo fatto, poi chiedermi come mai non ho voglia di niente e trovare delle spiegazioni più stupide che ci siano. Mah...


Mo sono andata via da casa per una piccola vacanza insieme a delle persone che mi stanno al cuore proprio assai. Poi ho litigato con La Donna della mia vita. E' stato quello il momento in cui ho realizzato che quando sono via da casa risento la mia anima, tocco gli angoli più profondi del cuore e riesco a mettere dei pezzi insieme... di nuovo. Tanto si spezzeranno di nuovo quando riparto, però almeno mi ricordo che esisto ancora, laggiù, tra la spazzatura che ho adunato tutto questo periodo ed i coltelli che mi sono infilata nel cuore per non sentire più il dolore, un dolore muto, cieco, e che non mi può dire da dove viene e dove se ne vuole andare.


C'ho vent'anni, però mi sento da 40. Sono giovane, ero una volta piena di vita, adesso invece sono come un gabbiano nei confronti della vita, sempre sopra l'acqua, mai con il cuore in mezzo alle cose. E' brutto non sentire, non capire, non avere niente da dire. Cadere e rialzarsi, sempre senza senso, ma solamente perché pensi che essere ottimista è migliore. Non importa, non può durare infinitamente, qualsiasi cosa c'ha una fine.


Sometimes I can't believe it, I'm moving past the feeling... again. I long for loneliness.

The natural order of things in Love

At first, love was supposed to look like this....

But then, it slowly started to become like this....

...and when you've had enough of that, you just went like this!

Thank you for your participation! :)

Something special

I'd like to rise up from my condition, I'd like to evolve, the time will come. But how to get others to listen to the same music that I hear? Hmm...

In the journey to discover myself and the beauty that is on this world and above it I have found a little bit of everything. Cultivate the soul, emancipate the being, elevate the mind.