Tectonica unei idei

M-am trezit azi de dimineata cu cea mai ciudata senzatie. Senzatia de apartenenta, si n-as fi stiut sa mi-o explic daca nu erai tu, paznic al noptii mele. Imi veghezi visele, imi umpli noaptea, din cauza ta nu dorm eu, din cauza ta nu mai am liniste... e totul din vina mea. Am inceput mai demult sa sper ca se poate mai bine, si uite ca se poate si inca cum! Dar mai ramine inca un loc gol in cosul pieptului ce intr-o vreme adapostea atit de multa iubire incit sa inghita lumea, iar acum e... ca un ou spart. M-am pieptanat ieri de doua ori in fata oglinzii din baie si am vazut iarasi prin oglinda, imaginea mea nu mai era, deci n-ar fi avut rost sa mai privesc oglinda. Nu stiu ce sper sa gasesc acolo de cite ori ma uit sa vad ce lipseste, ce e in plus sau ce a ramas la fel. M-am ambitionat sa pastrez tacerea, privand astfel multa lume de prezenta mea, lasind astfel un loc gol unde odata erau zapada si coacaze, soare si biciclete. N-am stiut insa sa le smulg amintirea mea din memoriile pline de praf, invechite de cei ce au venit si au plecat inaintea mea, de cei ce le-au umplut cazierele, sau si le-au umplut singuri, sau de cei ce le-au furat inocenta. Stiu cum e sa nu mai ai nici macar paharul de suc de portocale zilnic sau sa renunti la vise de dragul tiriitului cotidian pe strazile orasului doar pentru a avea un motiv sa te trezesti dimineata. Ceasul desteptator nu stie nimic, el doar ma cicaleste dimineata de dimineata, imi aduce aminte de ceea ce am de facut, el nu e ca tot ceea ce am stiut vreodata, el e pur si simplu inconstient de tradarea ce o executa asupra lumii mele onirice. In vasta geografie a sufletului prefer sa pastrez urme de vid pentru a-mi reaminti de ce prapastiile sunt utile in momente de maxima monotonie, prefer sa pastrez dealuri, munti si lacuri, prefer sa nu darui harta acestuia nimanui caci nu mi-ar ierta-o niciodata. Iar cind momentul cel de prisos vine pentru a-l trai cu constiinta curata te trezesti dintr-o data speriat si debusolat, de parca ai fi cintat toata noaptea impreuna cu sticla de bautura iar soarele diminetii tocmai iti sfisie retina obosita. E abia atunci cind tectonica sufletului se schimba, se reaseaza, placile de diferite culori, texturi si idealuri tind sa se suprapuna, iar tu preferi sa nu mai intelegi nimic. Dar aici intervine cea mai grea parte, cea care zboara cu tine deasupra cutremurelor - asteptarea. Fiindca deseori ajungi in momentul in care cea mai buna miscare pe care poti sa o faci e aceea de a nu te misca deloc din loc, ci doar sa astepti.

Sweet Music

I'll write this text in English because I won't have much time to translate it. If anyone wants it translated, he/she can ask.

Over the past years of my life, as any human being, I've undergone some well established processes of maturing, well defined from the temporal point of view and with results along the years that helped me evolve to this very day. However I always felt that I can't find the perfect words to describe the colors of my years so that anyone could understand them and see them as I did. So I've put together a list of songs that may help me in that matter.

Chapter 1: The Early Years.
I grew up on old music, since I always saw my mother as an icon during preadolescence, so names such as Modern Talking, A-Ha, Abba, DJ Bobo, Bennasi Bros, Cher, Celine Dion, John Lennon, Phil Collins, Chris Rea, bear no secret in front of me. I also used to listen to Enya allot, Sarah Brightman, and at some point the genre called manele that remind me of some parties we threw back in the old days at home.
Then there was the stay with my cousin... Blero - Sexy Moves, manele again, house music, DJ Project, Thalia - No me ensenaste, Veritasaga, B.U.G. Mafia, particularly remind me of that time.
And then... after my cousin left there was him, I'll call him V.
Tony Carey - Room With a View
Chris Isaac - Life Will Go On. And so it was.
The there was O, and I remember four particular songs from him,
1st Ladi - Missing You
Bliss - Wish You Where Here
Armstrong & Fitzgerald - Stars Fell On Alabama
Goran Bregovic - Lullaby

That's when I discovered Buddha Bar and jazz.

Chapter 2: The Big Struggle.
Shortly after I graduated 10th grade, I left the country. I'll always remember the song that I listened to for 3 long weeks before the departure itself
Elcho - Lazy Summer Days. And then I left the country.
Once arrived, I was seeking salvation from myself. I finally found it in some songs from ATB. I loved ATB ever since and will never give it up. Songs such as Pride Collides With Beauty and Some Things Just Are The Way They Are are worth mentioning.
I even met an interesting guy online, the songs that always reminds me of him is
The Proclaimers - 500 Miles (love that song)
Smiley feat. Alex & Don Baxter & Marius Moga - Am Bani De Dat
Other songs of the period:
Gary Jules - Mad World
Goran Bregovic - Lullaby
OceanLab - Ashes, Miracle, Secret etc.
GooGoo Dolls - Iris

Chapter 3: After The Storm Is Gone.
I came home after one year, so to speak. Summer was filled with
Zero Assoluto - Per Dimenticare
The Gossip - Heavy Cross
Gianna Nannini - Maledetto Ciao.
Then autumn came and I had left for Paris for a short trip.
Zaho - Je Te Promets
B.E.P. - I've Got A Feeling
these are the songs that remind me of that beautiful time.

Chapter 4: The Unexpected.
I started listening to indie a lot, and a bit of rock sprinkled on top, and I sort of met L. That was the coolest Christmas I can remember, and the songs that fill that period still sing by themselves in my head sometimes.
Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes (In Waves)
Colbie Caillat & Jason Mraz - Lucky
Kate Nash - the album Made Of Bricks
Lilly Allen - The Fear
Justin Nozuka - After Tonight
Erica Jennings - Pleasure.
Songs that remind me of L:
Michael Bubble - Still Haven't Met You Yet
Ian Brown - Stellify
Oasis - All Around the World, Slide Away, Champagne Supernova (particularly).

Chapter 5: Back to The Chaos.
And things started falling apart at some point because I had reached a point from which I couldn't move anymore. And there was no one to tell me at least what was going on. So I had to figure it out myself, and L was helping me so much with getting me deeper in quick sand more quickly, so to say, so by summer a lot of things that I once thought I had were there no more.
Anyway, here are the songs that remind me of particular events.
My BF broke up with her boy-friend -> Claudia Cream - Don't Miss Missing You
My BF got together with my brother -> Cheryl Cole - Parachute
Me getting dizzier by the day -> Morcheeba, Linking Park, Hooverphonic, Buddha Bar, ATB.
Me feeling sorry as I felt that everything was starting to crumble -> Morcheeba - Otherwise
Me going to Ploiesti -> Parazitii - Arde
Me going to my aunt and uncle -> Travie McCoy - Billionaire
Me going to the Black Sea -> Coldplay - The Scientist
Me back home from all of this -> Coldplay - See You Soon
Me away from my hometown again -> Dub FX - Love Me Or Not.


Well... that's about it... to be continued I guess :).

E mai frumos cind iese soarele-n Bucuresti

"Heroes are the ones that do the right thing, at the right time, no matter the consequences." a status on the messenger once wrote.

Am I a hero then? Have I done the right thing at the right time being prepared to bare the consequences? I left you... and I sometimes feel sorry... I sometimes hurt and sometimes feel grief... and maybe I feel guilty as well. You needed me there, didn't you? You thought that you could get back all the time that we didn't spend together in the past. You thought wrong.
Now I'm here, in a different city, having signed my first work contract, risking my tomorrow's safety and sureness. I... I miss you sometimes... and I sometimes I just think about how it would have been if I were still there, still listening and fulfilling your commands, desires, requests... if I may call them so. How would it have been if I were to sacrifice myself for the sake of your heart, even if I were to lose my own at some point, even if I were to become dull at some point, even if I were to hear at the end of a day that what I did wasn't good enough... You see, I chose to not let myself get there, to not put my heart in a freezer for you. Maybe you would have deserved such a sacrifice from me, you worked hard for it as a mother... have you considered giving up? Giving me up? You should have. Time waits for no one, and you're no exception.
So am I a hero? Can I be considered one to have done the right thing? Have you learned something about me from this? Will you ever be proud of what you've raised? I'm proud of myself, you know....



I feel sorry for you, I'd feel sorry for me too in that situation, but as an interesting song said once "if you don't like your life, it's your fault" and I must say... I kind of agree with it.

Departures

Unele momente in viata parca iti umbresc linistea, iar altele desi sunt facute pentru a te ingropa in disperare, criza de timp, lucruri marunte, dar esentiale, de facut, griji, stress, nu fac decit sa-ti lumineze calea si sa iti arate incotro trebuie s-o apuci.
Cind vine momentul sa pleci pentru prima data de acasa pentru a-ti construi o viata unde crezi ca vei fi mai multumit, te uiti totusi ce lasi in urma ta. Plinsete, dureri, controverse, certuri, situatii neplacute... dar si prieteni, momente frumoase, in care te-ai simtit in siguranta, familia care de bine de rau ti-a facut un ceai cind ai fost racit si ti-a suportat crizele cind ai trecut prin momente de indoiala fata de tine insuti sau fata de toti cei pe care ai crezut ca ii cunosti si te-au invatat pina la urma cum sa nu mai ai incredere in vorbe, lasi in urma liceul, scoala generala, parcurile in care te-ai plimbat sau ai chiulit, barurile in care te-ai plimbat nopti la rind, rind pe rind, in fiecare weekend, prietenii de familie care ti-au dat o piine cind n-ai avut, computerul pe care ai facut nopti albe doar ca sa vorbesti cu anumite persoane ce ti-a facut placere...

Vine acel moment in viata cind iti iei amintirile intr-o cutie memorabila, trei haine intr-o valiza, speranta in buzunare si pur si simplu pleci. Asa.

T'was about time

"There she is, standing in front of me with her soul naked, bared through her glistering chocolate eyes. And there she goes, she dances the world away, she sings with her hands and draws with her lips the notes of my world. Swinging from side to side, she lives... oh, man, does she live! Like I could never live, she makes the Air and Fire vibrate, makes the Water listen to her Soul command, she could decompose your personality, your principles, in a split second and rebuild you in the next.

Man, she lives... like I could only learn to in a thousand lives...

Don't wish to posses her, you don't stand a chance, try just to understand and maybe you'll get a shot at this miracle, maybe you'll get a chance to live.

Breathe... "

he said, and then walked his fears to the door and wished them a safe trip.