Play me a song...

Era o melodie ce o știam odată, se numea ’Maybe tomorrow is a better day’.. poate avea dreptate, acum știu doar că în acea vreme îmi plăcea să o ascult pentru valoarea ce o dădeam fiecărei zi în care seara mă așezam în pat și îi faceam evaluarea: a fost o zi bună, nu a fost.. acum am învățat să nu mai judec zilele, căci fiecare zi este la fel și diferită în același timp. Uneori simt că am prea multe siguranțe, alteori mă confortez cu gîndul că e bine așa cum e. M-am resemnat oarecum și refuz să mă adaptez pe de altă parte, căci consider că fac ceva deosebit zilnic: trăiesc. Am înțeles că nu e important cum a trecut fiecare zi în parte atîta vreme cît am un pat în care să îmi odihnesc creierii epuizați, prea obosiți de altfel să mai judece zile, ci doar destul de capabili la acea oră să mulțumească purtătorului și unei entități ce ne depășește că a mai reușit odată, a mai ajuns încă o zi la momentul mult așteptat: liniștea.

Mai era și o vorbă: nu e important ce fac în viață, important e să fac acel lucru oricare ar fi el. Este unde mă aflu eu acum, fac ce trebuie să fac, ce e necesar, dar niciodată nu trăiesc cu gîndul că ar fi deosebit de important acea acțiune a mea la nivel cotidian. Cred că fraza se referea la faptul că tot ce facem zi de zi va fi important într-o zi din viitor.

Acum mă pregătesc, dar nu sunt sigură pentru ce anume. Lupt și voi lupta acum pentru bătălia finală dintr-o zi însorită cu furtuna zîmbind de după cortine, așteptînd răbdătoare să-și spună replica finala, ca apoi victoria să poată aplauda mulțumită, sau înfrîngerea să proiecteze pe fețele tuturor propriul rîs ironic plastificat, încremenit pe vecie. Va conta. Mult. Sper să conteze și diferența pentru care bănuiesc că mă pregătesc. Măcar să știu că am încercat, iar dacă totul a fost în van, atunci așa să fie, dar eu să nu apuc să văd vidul de final.

Încă o melodie... do you think I’m special, do you think I’m nice, am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?...deci, sunt? E ironică fraza, evident, dar e o întrebare pe care aș pune-o unor persoane ce le-am întîlnit pe parcusul întregii vieți. Mai tîrziu în melodie spune ’I know I could never face someone that could sound like you’, ar fi un semn de alarmă pentru o persoană inteligentă. E o atenționare subtilă, poate cu iz jignitor, poate și cu iz ironic, dar cu continuarea lăsată să se înțeleagă de la sine. Pot să vă trezesc? Pot? Vă pot spune unde ați greșit fără a mă înțelege greșit? Nu prea pot.

I was there, and then I was no more...

Sometimes I wish, other times I hope, and at times I just whisper. I whisper wishful things, sad things, then all the things that cross my mind 'cause I have the certainty that who will have the power to listen, will. What if they don't? Then they won't see.

I used to have many friends and all of them where made of silver and roses and bullets and rain, but then they vanished and harsh enemies took their place. Sorrow and hurt, greed and anger made their way through the slippery place I used to call a soul, and then I crashed again like I do at times when I can't deal with certain things anymore. I came here in complete ruins, thought I could make it alive tho. And I did. I'm still breathing, I still walk these streets and can still smell the wretched frost from the morning air and filthy smog on my way home at night. It should be a pretty hard evidence that I'm still alive.

I used to have burning coals in my eyes and flames rising from my hands, I used to make my  way through society always laughing at others and keeping things to myself. I still do, y'know.

Chocolate brown eyes with infinite heat are keepers of a compact journal filled with life experiences. 2010, one number, could define them all. T'was my year, it was my quick death and my slow and painful rebirth, almost. The same eyes contain now snowflakes, each day a different shape, each day a different size, but always made out of the same rain that used to pour months ago, stormy weather, blistering cold in immeasurable quantities, endured until it stopped being a burden and started being an advantage again.

You tried to touch the snow, try to enter the deep darkness with no fear as a core, and are still trying, fact that makes me happy in a way and keeps me in guard in another. Stay by my side, don't give up, I'm much more than I can show and if you're happy with only this, you might want to consider gaining a new level of happiness. It's all brand new in the shallow part, same old going deeper, but better anyway.

I can taste the raw drops of pure delight falling from the sky, I can feel them freezing before they touch the skin of my cheek, my nose can sense the aroma of fresh coffee in the middle of the night and my hands can catch the sensation of wisdom you had when you decided to take that step and come home. Held me tight and promised me you would never make me cry, isn't it an easy promise to keep? Yes it is. Yes it is...

Keep me healthy and sane, don't let me fall off my feet, make the land I step on never shiver away.

Slivers of metal guns choke me when I dream every night a different dream with the same idea: of catching a breath of fresh air from its flight across the distant memories of my unwanted gathered songs, all coiled somewhere deep into echoes that reach out. All my songs are good songs, no song is better than the other.

And maybe one day I'll stand up to my songs, one day I'll tell them otherwise and play them as they should be played; they don't bother existing without the winds that brought them to me, don't bother playing for someone else.

How can I ever repay you? How can I ever tell you 'thank you' for opening my eyes and being one step ahead? I'll wish you all the best and the same songs you played to me, I'm quite sure you'll enjoy them, and when you listen to them remember me as a dear friend, a lost memory and a true heart to have relied on when you needed, a medicine to ease the pain. You'll know when you'll hear me calling out such as a mermaid calls its seamen in the foggy darkness, you'll tell that it's me, don't worry. Just follow the song, you'll be free then.

"So thank you" she said putting her head in the ground and rising afterwords her shadowy look from that gloomy place she decided to look at no more.

Have a great 2011, I wish you all the best and to act with sapience in matters that concern you directly, or not. And remember "what you don't know, can't hurt you" and "everything passes, either good or bad".

This Mortal Coil - Elizabeth Fraser and Robin Guthrie - Song to the Siren

   
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Tectonica unei idei

M-am trezit azi de dimineata cu cea mai ciudata senzatie. Senzatia de apartenenta, si n-as fi stiut sa mi-o explic daca nu erai tu, paznic al noptii mele. Imi veghezi visele, imi umpli noaptea, din cauza ta nu dorm eu, din cauza ta nu mai am liniste... e totul din vina mea. Am inceput mai demult sa sper ca se poate mai bine, si uite ca se poate si inca cum! Dar mai ramine inca un loc gol in cosul pieptului ce intr-o vreme adapostea atit de multa iubire incit sa inghita lumea, iar acum e... ca un ou spart. M-am pieptanat ieri de doua ori in fata oglinzii din baie si am vazut iarasi prin oglinda, imaginea mea nu mai era, deci n-ar fi avut rost sa mai privesc oglinda. Nu stiu ce sper sa gasesc acolo de cite ori ma uit sa vad ce lipseste, ce e in plus sau ce a ramas la fel. M-am ambitionat sa pastrez tacerea, privand astfel multa lume de prezenta mea, lasind astfel un loc gol unde odata erau zapada si coacaze, soare si biciclete. N-am stiut insa sa le smulg amintirea mea din memoriile pline de praf, invechite de cei ce au venit si au plecat inaintea mea, de cei ce le-au umplut cazierele, sau si le-au umplut singuri, sau de cei ce le-au furat inocenta. Stiu cum e sa nu mai ai nici macar paharul de suc de portocale zilnic sau sa renunti la vise de dragul tiriitului cotidian pe strazile orasului doar pentru a avea un motiv sa te trezesti dimineata. Ceasul desteptator nu stie nimic, el doar ma cicaleste dimineata de dimineata, imi aduce aminte de ceea ce am de facut, el nu e ca tot ceea ce am stiut vreodata, el e pur si simplu inconstient de tradarea ce o executa asupra lumii mele onirice. In vasta geografie a sufletului prefer sa pastrez urme de vid pentru a-mi reaminti de ce prapastiile sunt utile in momente de maxima monotonie, prefer sa pastrez dealuri, munti si lacuri, prefer sa nu darui harta acestuia nimanui caci nu mi-ar ierta-o niciodata. Iar cind momentul cel de prisos vine pentru a-l trai cu constiinta curata te trezesti dintr-o data speriat si debusolat, de parca ai fi cintat toata noaptea impreuna cu sticla de bautura iar soarele diminetii tocmai iti sfisie retina obosita. E abia atunci cind tectonica sufletului se schimba, se reaseaza, placile de diferite culori, texturi si idealuri tind sa se suprapuna, iar tu preferi sa nu mai intelegi nimic. Dar aici intervine cea mai grea parte, cea care zboara cu tine deasupra cutremurelor - asteptarea. Fiindca deseori ajungi in momentul in care cea mai buna miscare pe care poti sa o faci e aceea de a nu te misca deloc din loc, ci doar sa astepti.

Sweet Music

I'll write this text in English because I won't have much time to translate it. If anyone wants it translated, he/she can ask.

Over the past years of my life, as any human being, I've undergone some well established processes of maturing, well defined from the temporal point of view and with results along the years that helped me evolve to this very day. However I always felt that I can't find the perfect words to describe the colors of my years so that anyone could understand them and see them as I did. So I've put together a list of songs that may help me in that matter.

Chapter 1: The Early Years.
I grew up on old music, since I always saw my mother as an icon during preadolescence, so names such as Modern Talking, A-Ha, Abba, DJ Bobo, Bennasi Bros, Cher, Celine Dion, John Lennon, Phil Collins, Chris Rea, bear no secret in front of me. I also used to listen to Enya allot, Sarah Brightman, and at some point the genre called manele that remind me of some parties we threw back in the old days at home.
Then there was the stay with my cousin... Blero - Sexy Moves, manele again, house music, DJ Project, Thalia - No me ensenaste, Veritasaga, B.U.G. Mafia, particularly remind me of that time.
And then... after my cousin left there was him, I'll call him V.
Tony Carey - Room With a View
Chris Isaac - Life Will Go On. And so it was.
The there was O, and I remember four particular songs from him,
1st Ladi - Missing You
Bliss - Wish You Where Here
Armstrong & Fitzgerald - Stars Fell On Alabama
Goran Bregovic - Lullaby

That's when I discovered Buddha Bar and jazz.

Chapter 2: The Big Struggle.
Shortly after I graduated 10th grade, I left the country. I'll always remember the song that I listened to for 3 long weeks before the departure itself
Elcho - Lazy Summer Days. And then I left the country.
Once arrived, I was seeking salvation from myself. I finally found it in some songs from ATB. I loved ATB ever since and will never give it up. Songs such as Pride Collides With Beauty and Some Things Just Are The Way They Are are worth mentioning.
I even met an interesting guy online, the songs that always reminds me of him is
The Proclaimers - 500 Miles (love that song)
Smiley feat. Alex & Don Baxter & Marius Moga - Am Bani De Dat
Other songs of the period:
Gary Jules - Mad World
Goran Bregovic - Lullaby
OceanLab - Ashes, Miracle, Secret etc.
GooGoo Dolls - Iris

Chapter 3: After The Storm Is Gone.
I came home after one year, so to speak. Summer was filled with
Zero Assoluto - Per Dimenticare
The Gossip - Heavy Cross
Gianna Nannini - Maledetto Ciao.
Then autumn came and I had left for Paris for a short trip.
Zaho - Je Te Promets
B.E.P. - I've Got A Feeling
these are the songs that remind me of that beautiful time.

Chapter 4: The Unexpected.
I started listening to indie a lot, and a bit of rock sprinkled on top, and I sort of met L. That was the coolest Christmas I can remember, and the songs that fill that period still sing by themselves in my head sometimes.
Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes (In Waves)
Colbie Caillat & Jason Mraz - Lucky
Kate Nash - the album Made Of Bricks
Lilly Allen - The Fear
Justin Nozuka - After Tonight
Erica Jennings - Pleasure.
Songs that remind me of L:
Michael Bubble - Still Haven't Met You Yet
Ian Brown - Stellify
Oasis - All Around the World, Slide Away, Champagne Supernova (particularly).

Chapter 5: Back to The Chaos.
And things started falling apart at some point because I had reached a point from which I couldn't move anymore. And there was no one to tell me at least what was going on. So I had to figure it out myself, and L was helping me so much with getting me deeper in quick sand more quickly, so to say, so by summer a lot of things that I once thought I had were there no more.
Anyway, here are the songs that remind me of particular events.
My BF broke up with her boy-friend -> Claudia Cream - Don't Miss Missing You
My BF got together with my brother -> Cheryl Cole - Parachute
Me getting dizzier by the day -> Morcheeba, Linking Park, Hooverphonic, Buddha Bar, ATB.
Me feeling sorry as I felt that everything was starting to crumble -> Morcheeba - Otherwise
Me going to Ploiesti -> Parazitii - Arde
Me going to my aunt and uncle -> Travie McCoy - Billionaire
Me going to the Black Sea -> Coldplay - The Scientist
Me back home from all of this -> Coldplay - See You Soon
Me away from my hometown again -> Dub FX - Love Me Or Not.


Well... that's about it... to be continued I guess :).

E mai frumos cind iese soarele-n Bucuresti

"Heroes are the ones that do the right thing, at the right time, no matter the consequences." a status on the messenger once wrote.

Am I a hero then? Have I done the right thing at the right time being prepared to bare the consequences? I left you... and I sometimes feel sorry... I sometimes hurt and sometimes feel grief... and maybe I feel guilty as well. You needed me there, didn't you? You thought that you could get back all the time that we didn't spend together in the past. You thought wrong.
Now I'm here, in a different city, having signed my first work contract, risking my tomorrow's safety and sureness. I... I miss you sometimes... and I sometimes I just think about how it would have been if I were still there, still listening and fulfilling your commands, desires, requests... if I may call them so. How would it have been if I were to sacrifice myself for the sake of your heart, even if I were to lose my own at some point, even if I were to become dull at some point, even if I were to hear at the end of a day that what I did wasn't good enough... You see, I chose to not let myself get there, to not put my heart in a freezer for you. Maybe you would have deserved such a sacrifice from me, you worked hard for it as a mother... have you considered giving up? Giving me up? You should have. Time waits for no one, and you're no exception.
So am I a hero? Can I be considered one to have done the right thing? Have you learned something about me from this? Will you ever be proud of what you've raised? I'm proud of myself, you know....



I feel sorry for you, I'd feel sorry for me too in that situation, but as an interesting song said once "if you don't like your life, it's your fault" and I must say... I kind of agree with it.