false

And I feared my tears would come out screaming from my eyes as I was telling Fede what I felt. But they didn't, as usual. I can't cry anymore for any serious reason, it just feels weak. I fantasise about having beside me the boy I met almost 2 months ago but who represents a breaking of my principles, I think how wonderful it would be to find my inner peace soon beeing conscious in the same time that I have to wait untill I'm 40 to achieve that and just push away any hopes because I feel desorientated and don't want to be illuded anymore. Don't really know what I'm doing, don't really see on which side I'm fighting or if I'm even fighting... don't know why I told Fede that I didn't like staying with my mom, I should have shut up on that one because I kinda' made a promiss to myself that I would suffer in silence if there were ever something to suffer about...
Shrugging helps sometimes, it makes my had somewhat clearer... frowns twist my face in an unpleasent shape. Can't help thinking that I want to be away from my mom so badly because I can't stand her piercing voice when something goes like she doesn't want it to. I understand her frustration too, you know; she said to me the other day "always being in the middle class, never higher, never lower"... I told her "you should be glad for this"... yes... it seems that life has been to her like italian teachers are to students when giving grades: you smash your head(metaphore) to do something better that usual, but you never get the maximum reward because somebody or something doesn't feel like giving it to you. I'm so sorry, I don't want to be unthankful or ungrateful, I really don't, but a conflict between my rational side and my heart-driven side is confusing me, making me see both parts and unable to find middle-way to work things out. Yes, I'm a looser from this point of view...I loose to one of the sides usually, never get to please them both. I thought I could accept my destiny, to be at the service of others from a personal point of view, but it seems like I can't do that without protesting at some point. I don't usually protest out loud, but inside me is enough I think.
I got it: I should stop thinking!...if I only could...
But please, don't mind me, you couldn't understand the things I'm talking about anyway. I seemed to have found a person that understood me; now we're separated by 100 things. I still thinkg about her a lot, hope she thinks about me too, hope everything's gonna be allright..
Jusst goes to show, we all get what we deserve