I think this is the time one would call 'confession time'. I think, or better said, I am almost certain that for the last year I have been lying to myself. I tried to reach goals that were out of my reach, I tried to achieve a great deal in a short period of time, and most importantly, I have tried to bury feelings of discontent, dissatisfaction, fury, frustration and illness of the soul.
It's about time that I admit my defeat. Overworked, tired of all the running around without aim, nothing to do but the things I want merely don't need, I managed to cause a permanent source of unneeded stress, and now I expect to find quickly, as if it only takes a good idea and/or a moment of revelation, a solution. Not a very realistic idea, I would have expected more from myself.
I admit that I am lost, although not completely; I admit not knowing what I am doing here, what I'm trying to achieve or if it was indeed my decision to set on this course, prematurely I would say. I have no f-ing idea where I'm heading at, what have I to gain from this journey? Questions arise and as much as I would have liked to say that I have a goal by doing all this, the truth is I really do feel overwhelmed by my own actions, and swimming against the tide was not my best idea, but I've already resigned myself and decided it is best to undo all the wrongs and try at least to bring or leave (whichever might be the case) something good into the lives of the people that I've dragged with me into this.
Lost my sparkle, have I? Don't feel special anymore, don't feel any different from the people that content themselves with doing small things for themselves, and that is one of the worse case scenarios that could ever happen to me. The drama? I brought it upon myself deliberately.
Don't hold my hand because I don't feel like holding yours, don't try to support me like a fan supports his local team because it doesn't make me feel warmer, don't stay in my way trying to convince me that it's better to stay with you than move along wither, just stay out of my way, I'll tell you when it's safe to come out for me because I am literally shutting myself out from the cold storm outside. Whatever happens, I just want you to know that it'll be fine and we'll be happy once more.
Two set of lyric selections describe my inner state at this time...
"and now I'm leaving, I'm pulling the door behind me, I await the moment of blissful re-encounter"
"in a bullet proof vest with the windows all closed I'll be doing my best and I'll see you soon".
Also, being dependent on someone is one of my greatest weaknesses. There you have it. Good night, while there's still some of it left.
(see link from title)
Presupun ca se vede ora la care am creat postul, nu mai trebuie sa specific. Sunt inca treaza, ca in multe alte sambete, probabil as fi avut altceva de facut, dar astrologia ma relaxeaza, imi elibereaza mintea si o antreneaza in acelasi timp. Am asteptat luni de zile sa am ceva de spus, ceva concret, ajunsesem in acel labirint periculos in care in fata oricarei intamplari ramaneam fara cuvinte, fara idei si fara o parere. Mi-era indiferent. Imi pare sincer rau de mine, dar ca sa vezi ce e bun mai intai trebuie sa vezi cum e rau.
Sunt multumita ca am in sfarsit ceva de spus. Vreau sa spun ca nu m-am intors si nu ma voi intoarce niciodata ca persoana, doar ca a fost greu sa renunt la o imagine veche si totusi inca frumoasa si vie aspure mie insami. Poate parea egocentric si egoist, dar petrec mult timp alergand dupa mintea mea in speranta ca in acele putine secunde cand reusesc sa o prind descopar ceva nou ce-mi da un fundament in construirea unei persoane valoroase, cu principii sanatoase si cai interioare frumoase. E intr-adevar greu sa pasesti inainte cand ai atat de multe bagaje in spate, dar un pas trebuie facut, intr-o directie trebuie si eu sa ma misc, nu mai pot sta locului nici macar o clipa. Am decis sa tai corzile, funiile si chiar acele fire subtiri pentru a ma elibera. A trebuit sa ajung in punctul acesta sa o pot face, si simt ca abia dupa un an de la asa-zisul "nou inceput" impus, pot incepe realmente sa cladesc din nou, sa o iau de la zero cum mi-am dorit, sa fiu din nou dependenta de nimic altceva decat de viata insasi, si sa arat lumii intregi, deci si mie, ca am destula forta pentru a ma ridica.
Stiam ca e nevoie sa se ajunga la fundul prapastiei pentru a se putea incepe urcusul, doar nu realizam faptul ca pana la prapastie e un drum mai lung ca data trecuta, ca de fapt e alta prapastie - teren necunoscut, ca de data aceasta nu mai am posibilitatea de a ma catapulta afara; acum chiar trebuie sa muncesc, trebuie sa ma hotarasc dupa ce alerg, la ce si unde vreau sa ajung. Nu e un plan pentru toata viata, e doar o schita a ceea ce ar putea deveni un tablou mai mult decat frumos. Sper ca am ales panza si creionul potrivit, iar cu putina (mai multa) vointa, nici ca pot cere mai mult caci pot fauri.
Ador din nou ochii obositi din cauza monitorului, durerea de spate dinante de a ma baga in pat dupa N ore de stat la calculator, imi ador tigarile ce-mi tin de urat, convorbirile la telefon cu mama au devenit placute, iar lumea pe langa care trec zilnic nu ma mai oboseste. Aveam nevoie de asta, de o gura de aer, dar nu ma multumesc doar sa deschid geamul sa aerisesc, planuiesc sa petrec mai mult timp pe afara.
Ne vedem sub soare, la umbra mi-a fost cam rece.
Also, being dependent on someone is one of my greatest weaknesses. There you have it. Good night, while there's still some of it left.
