I shut my eyes in order to see

I think this is the time one would call 'confession time'. I think, or better said, I am almost certain that for the last year I have been lying to myself. I tried to reach goals that were out of my reach, I tried to achieve a great deal in a short period of time, and most importantly, I have tried to bury feelings of discontent, dissatisfaction, fury, frustration and illness of the soul.
It's about time that I admit my defeat. Overworked, tired of all the running around without aim, nothing to do but the things I want merely don't need, I managed to cause a permanent source of unneeded stress, and now I expect to find quickly, as if it only takes a good idea and/or a moment of revelation, a solution. Not a very realistic idea, I would have expected more from myself.


I admit that I am lost, although not completely; I admit not knowing what I am doing here, what I'm trying to achieve or if it was indeed my decision to set on this course, prematurely I would say. I have no f-ing idea where I'm heading at, what have I to gain from this journey? Questions arise and as much as I would have liked to say that I have a goal by doing all this, the truth is I really do feel overwhelmed by my own actions, and swimming against the tide was not my best idea, but I've already resigned myself  and decided it is best to undo all the wrongs and try at least to bring or leave (whichever might be the case) something good into the lives of the people that I've dragged with me into this. 


Lost my sparkle, have I? Don't feel special anymore, don't feel any different from the people that content themselves with doing small things for themselves, and that is one of the worse case scenarios that could ever happen to me. The drama? I brought it upon myself deliberately.


Don't hold my hand because I don't feel like holding yours, don't try to support me like a fan supports his local team because it doesn't make me feel warmer, don't stay in my way trying to convince me that it's better to stay with you than move along wither, just stay out of my way, I'll tell you when it's safe to come out for me because I am literally shutting myself out from the cold storm outside. Whatever happens, I just want you to know that it'll be fine and we'll be happy once more.


Two set of lyric selections describe my inner state at this time...
"and now I'm leaving, I'm pulling the door behind me, I await the moment of blissful re-encounter"
"in a bullet proof vest with the windows all closed I'll be doing my best and I'll see you soon".


Also, being dependent on someone is one of my greatest weaknesses. There you have it. Good night, while there's still some of it left.


(see link from title)